Therapy isn’t working.
It’s not for me.
What would talking to somebody do?
I’ll just exercise, eat better, and I can do it on my own.
Is this you? Was that you talking? Is that somebody you know?
What to do when therapy “isn’t working”
Let’s talk about why you feel it isn’t working.
1. Do you feel like your therapist’s delivery style is fit for you?
If not, it’s okay. Always talk to your therapist if you feel like your sessions aren’t meshing. Your therapist is a person too, and it’s okay to say and feel like the relationship isn’t there.
-
Talk with them openly and honestly
-
Consider other options
It’s just like dating — not one therapist is for everyone.
2. Are you applying what you’re processing and learning in sessions in your everyday life?
Everything is ALWAYS easier said than done.
Are you pausing when you notice that automatic negative thought (ANT) comes up and recognizing that it’s in the room with you? Are you feeding that ANT and letting it take over?
I recommend in my clients’ therapy sessions to say to themselves:
-
“I’m noticing I’m feeling [blank].”
-
“I’m noticing I’m having the thought of [blank].”
This is cognitive defusion — separating yourself from thoughts or emotions.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
This applies to therapy, too. Your therapist is there to sit with you and hold your hand through the journey, and unfortunately, they can’t fix what needs healing — that’s up to you.
I like to say that when you can hear what your therapist would say, that’s a sign therapy IS working!
3. Are you in the SAME environment that’s causing you distress?
How is change going to happen when the same factors are pushing you to your limits every day?
“But Stephanie… I can’t just change the work environment… or my family!”
Absolutely — you can’t.
What you can do is change how you respond to the environment.
Mel Robbins’s ‘Let Them’ Theory has been a game changer to relationships:
-
LET THEM complain
-
LET THEM throw their tantrum
-
LET ME walk away
-
LET ME set a boundary (emotional, physical, financial, etc.)
A huge part of therapy is working through what’s challenging you:
-
A person
-
A place
-
A phrase
-
An event
I like to describe Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) as distress tolerance.
We are STRENGTHENING OUR MUSCLES so we can hold these emotions and experiences more easily. The more you exercise those muscles, the stronger they’ll be.
4. “I know what I need to talk about in therapy! I’m going to get better!”
Often times, what we think we need to process may have an underlying core belief that needs to be addressed.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one therapeutic method that can be used to:
-
Identify our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors
-
Find the cycle we may be stuck in
-
Recognize repetitive events
Ever think back to something and say:
“Why did that bother me that much???”
Maybe there’s a core belief trying to emerge.
