Attachment theory is so fascinating!
Why are we the way we are??John Bowlby was a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who studied our relationships with our parents and caregivers to shape the way we perceive and act in relationships throughout our life.
The four attachment styles:
Anxious
Avoidant / Dismissive
Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant
Secure
So where do you fit?
It depends on who the relationship is with as well as your relationship with YOURSELF.
Our attachment style is not our fault; it’s a mixture of nature and nurture.
Your attachment style is not your destiny.Secure attachment
This is where we ideally would like to be. An individual feels confident in themselves, feels confident they can meet their own needs, but also does not feel dependent on someone else to meet their needs. They also have a balanced relationship with other people.Anxious attachment
An individual struggles to communicate directly. They may have insecurities in their relationship and within themselves, have a deep fear of being abandoned, and lack boundaries. This person may have a hard time being alone or not in a relationship. They want a deep relationship but have a hard time trusting the other person. Their insecurities tend to speak loudly in a relationship, and the individual needs frequent reassurance.This may look like:
The codependent partner who must spend every day and minute with their partner
Constantly asking: “Do you still love me?”
“What do you love about me?”
“I need you by my side.”
“I need to ask every opinion of you because I look to you for answers and I can’t make them myself.”
Having unhealthy boundaries, constantly saying “yes” to things they can’t give energy to
Being afraid to say “no” because they worry how others will see them
Avoidant attachment
This person is afraid to get too close to others. They are distant because they have an extremely hard time trusting others. An example may be an individual who was not cared for properly by their caregiver growing up and was forced to be independent. This person often wants to do everything on their own. No one else can do it for them. They take on too much themselves.They may:
Have unhealthy ways to self-soothe
Struggle because they didn’t have someone there to comfort them
Often run away from intimacy
Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant attachment
This person has extreme difficulty regulating themselves and also does not trust others. This attachment style can often appear unpredictable.Your attachment style can change!
While we can’t change the past, we can change the future. Recognizing your attachment style is the first step in creating change. Consider speaking with your therapist about your attachment style.Want to know your attachment style?
Take this quiz: Attachment Style Quiz
